Asking a partner to try therapy can feel scary. You worry they’ll feel criticized, that they’ll refuse, or that the request will spark an argument. You are not alone, as so many couples hesitate before asking for help. Couples therapy reliably reduces relationship distress and improves relationship satisfaction when both partners participate. You’ll get conversation scripts, strategies for common objections, safety guidance, and alternatives if your partner refuses.
Why Bringing Up Therapy Matters (And What The Research Says)?
Therapy can help couples improve communication, resolve recurring conflicts, and rebuild trust. Meta-analyses and systematic reviews show that evidence-based couples therapies, like Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), produce significant improvements in relationship satisfaction and distress reduction. When therapists apply these methods with fidelity, couples often make measurable gains.
Still, many people don’t seek help. Studies consistently find that cost and not knowing where to go are the top barriers, followed by worries about stigma or partner resistance. Men, in particular, use mental health services less than women, a social pattern that can make it harder to get a reluctant partner into the room.
Knowing both the benefits and the barriers helps you plan a respectful approach that meets your partner where they are.
How To Prepare Before You Talk?
Preparation matters. Rushing the conversation can make your partner defensive. Try these steps first:
- Clarify your goal. Do you want to improve communication? Resolve specific conflicts? Get help for blended-family stress? When you name the goal, you keep the conversation concrete.
- Reflect on your “why.” Ask yourself: “Why do I want therapy? What outcomes do I hope for?” When you speak from your needs, the request sounds less like blame.
- Choose timing and setting. Pick a calm moment (not during or right after an argument) and a private place where you both feel safe.
- Practice empathy. Try to imagine why your partner might resist, fear of being judged, cost, time, or stigma, and plan to acknowledge those concerns. Research shows that recognizing barriers (cost, stigma, and uncertainty) reduces resistance.
Conversation Strategies That Work
Use a gentle, curiosity-led approach rather than ultimatums or reproach. Below are evidence-based strategies and sample scripts you can adapt.
Lead With Care, Not Criticism.
Open with your feelings and needs. Use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness.
Script:
“I love you, and I want our relationship to feel better. Lately I’ve been feeling [tired/worried/disconnected], and I think seeing a counselor together could help me understand us better. Would you consider trying a few sessions with me?”
Using “I” statements and naming your vulnerable feeling helps your partner hear you without feeling attacked. Communication experts and therapy organizations recommend this approach because it reduces defensive reactions.
Use Motivational Interviewing-Style Prompts.
Motivational interviewing (MI) helps people explore change without pressure. Try asking:
- “On a scale from 0–10, how open would you be to trying one session? What would make it a 1 point higher for you?”
- “What worries you most about couples therapy?”
- “What would success look like for you after a few sessions?”
MI techniques (ask, reflect, and affirm) help your partner hear their own reasons for change rather than feeling persuaded. Studies show MI improves engagement in therapy contexts.
Normalize Therapy And Share Facts.
Normalize therapy as a common, practical option: many couples use it not because they’re failing but because they want tools to get better. You can say:
“Many couples try a few counseling sessions to learn communication tools — it’s like a tune-up for the relationship. Research shows couples therapy can reduce relationship distress and improve satisfaction.”
Offer A Low-Pressure Trial
Suggest a short trial rather than a permanent commitment.
Script:
“Can we try three sessions and then check in? If it’s not helping, we’ll stop. But if it helps even a little, we can keep going.”
A trial lowers the perceived cost of trying something new.
Offer Practical Help
Remove logistical obstacles that create friction. Offer to:
- Research therapists and share a short list.
- Book the first appointment (and offer to go with them or wait in the reception).
- Find teletherapy if time or transportation is an issue.
- Explore sliding-scale or insurance-covered options.
Cost and uncertainty often block action; you can reduce both by offering concrete options.
Use Trusted Voices
If your partner respects a particular family member, faith leader, coach, or doctor, consider asking that person to recommend therapy gently. Hearing a neutral, trusted voice can reduce stigma.
What To Do When Your Partner Resists?
Even with the best approach, your partner may still resist. Try these steps next.
Don’t Argue About Therapy.
If your partner refuses, avoid escalating. Arguing drives entrenchment. Instead, say:
“I hear you. Can we revisit this in a few weeks?”
Offer Alternatives
If couples therapy feels like a big step, suggest:
- Individual therapy for yourself (this often models vulnerability and change).
- A relationship workshop or weekend retreat.
- A trusted couple’s book and follow-up discussion.
- Short coaching sessions, relationship education, or a single consultation with a couples therapist to assess next steps.
Individual therapy remains useful even if your partner refuses couples work. Research supports the positive effects on personal functioning and relationship dynamics.
Set And Communicate Boundaries.
If your partner refuses therapy and their behavior harms you or the relationship, set clear boundaries about what you will and won’t accept.
Example:
“I want to work on us. If we can’t do that together, I’ll still take care of myself. I plan to see an individual counselor and will need us to avoid yelling when we disagree.”
Revisit After The Experience.
Sometimes people soften after they see small changes. Try revisiting the conversation after a few weeks, especially after you make a model change through individual work. Many partners agree to try couples therapy after witnessing steady, non-judgmental efforts from the other person.
Safety Note: When Therapy Is Not Appropriate For A Couple
If abuse, coercion, or active substance-fueled violence exists, couples therapy may not be safe. Counseling centers and domestic-violence experts advise that joint therapy can increase risk for victims or allow an abuser to misuse the therapy room. If you or your partner experiences abuse, prioritize safety: contact local resources, domestic-violence hotlines, or crisis lines.
If anyone in your relationship is in danger, call emergency services or a local crisis line immediately.
Practical Tips For The First Session (What To Expect And How To Prepare)
When your partner agrees to a first session, prepare together, lightly, so the meeting goes well.
- Set one or two shared goals: keep them concrete (improve evening conversations, reduce arguing about money).
- Agree to honesty and curiosity: ask that both of you try to speak from your own experience (using “I” statements).
- Ask the therapist about confidentiality: what the therapist can and cannot share with your partner and whether the therapist will meet with you individually.
- Expect the therapist to ask about history: the therapist often asks about family backgrounds, current stressors, and patterns you want to change.
- Plan logistics: confirm timing, whether the session is in-person or virtual, and payment/insurance details.
The first session often feels awkward. That’s normal. Therapists expect it and guide couples through the initial uncertainty.
Scripts And Phrases You Can Use (Tested By Clinicians)
Use these phrases as templates, edit to match your voice.
- “I love our life together. Lately I’ve felt [lonely/anxious / overwhelmed]. I wonder if a neutral professional could give us tools to feel closer.”
- “I don’t want to ‘fix’ you. Would you try one session with me?”
- “I read that many couples feel nervous about therapy at first. We can try one session and see how it feels.”
- “If you don’t want to go together, would you try individual therapy or meet a counselor to talk about your stress?”
Common Objections And Responses
“Therapy is for people with big problems.” Response: “Therapy helps with tools and perspective. Many couples use it to strengthen what’s already good, not just to fix crises.”
“I don’t have time/money.” Response: “We could try teletherapy or a shorter trial (three sessions). I can also research affordable options and insurance coverage.
“I’m worried the therapist will take your side.” Response: “A good therapist helps both of us understand each other better. We can find someone who focuses on fairness and safety.” (You can also offer to meet the therapist first or ask for a session where you both set goals together.)
“I don’t like talking about feelings.” Response: “We can ask the therapist for practical tools and step-by-step exercises instead of deep emotional work right away.”
If Your Partner Still Says “No”: Next Steps You Can Take
- Start individual therapy. Evidence shows that individual therapy helps with emotional regulation and improves relationship functioning indirectly.
- Join a couples workshop or class that teaches communication skills (low-stakes, educational settings often feel safer).
- Read and discuss a relationship book together, using agreed-upon discussion questions or a shared chapter schedule.
- Re-evaluate boundaries and the relationship’s future if repeated harm occurs and your partner refuses to change.
FAQs
How long does couples therapy take?
Therapy length varies. Some couples find measurable change in 6–12 sessions, while others use therapy periodically for years. Evidence-based models like EFT or BCT structure treatment to focus on specific patterns and can be completed in a focused timeframe.
Can couples therapy “blame” one partner?
Good therapists avoid blaming and instead map interactional patterns so both partners see how their behaviors affect the other. If you fear bias, ask the therapist about their approach and whether they offer individual sessions alongside couple work.
What if my partner is ashamed of therapy?
Normalize therapy by sharing stories (without gossip), emphasizing confidentiality, and offering teletherapy or a short trial to reduce shame. Research shows stigma and fear of judgment often prevent engagement; reducing those fears increases openness.
Is it okay to go alone if my partner won’t join?
Yes. It also models change and sometimes encourages the partner to reconsider couples therapy later.
Final Thoughts
Convincing a partner to try therapy requires patience, respect, and a strategy rooted in empathy. Start from your own needs, reduce barriers, offer choices, and support autonomy. Use gentle, curiosity-based language and practical offers (research therapists, handle booking, suggest teletherapy). If your partner refuses, protect your well-being by seeking individual support, setting clear boundaries, and revisiting the conversation later.
Couples therapy can change patterns, rebuild trust, and teach healthier communication, but only when both people feel reasonably safe and willing to try. If you’re unsure where to start or want professional help drafting the invitation conversation, Ahava Counseling can help.
If you’re ready to invite change, we can help you plan the conversation and support you whether your partner decides to try therapy or not. Visit Ahava Counseling to schedule a confidential consultation.